


Relapse / Recovery

by Slim_N_Dre



Category: Eminem (Musician)
Genre: Addiction, Best Friends, Drug Addiction, Drugs, F/M, Friendship, Hip Hop, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, M/M, Male Friendship, References to Addiction, Rehabilitation, Soft Eminem
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-11
Updated: 2021-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-18 02:13:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29975811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Slim_N_Dre/pseuds/Slim_N_Dre
Summary: Marshall has had enough with his addiction and is ready to try to kick it for good.
Relationships: Dr. Dre & Eminem, Dr. Dre/Eminem
Comments: 3
Kudos: 6





	1. Mr. Mathers

"Mr. Mathers; Mr. Mathers can you hear me?" 

He heard a woman's voice calling for him but he didn't recognize the voice. Her voice was all that he could hear at first but slowly the sounds started to piece together. A symphony of every day sounds. A song of life. 

"Mr. Marshall Mathers. Do whatever you can to respond to me. Squeeze my hand, make a noise, do anything that you can if you can hear me." 

He could hear her. He could hear her just fine, but why did it matter? 

When a song is made, it's made in layers. Each layer pieced on one at a time. He had learned that from Dre. The first layer might be the drums, second the bass, third the piano, vocals, ad libs, and so on. That's how this song was made too. The first layer he could hear was this woman asking for him to respond. The second layer he heard sounded like sniffling, maybe even crying. The song was acoustic in the beginning. Then the layers of instruments started to add on: the rattling of metal equipment, scratching of pagers, the beeping of a heart monitor. 

He didn't like this song very much. 

As he started to come to and realize what it was that he was hearing, and why, it slowly started to scare him. The song became haunting. But it wasn't actually a song at all. It was life. The sounds of every day life. 

He furled his brow and attempted to clench his fists but he didn't get very far. It didn't feel like he had moved much. He could feel hands over him, doing who knows what. It felt like an eternity that those hands were on him. They gently attempted to move his fingers. Tickle his nose. Anything to get a reaction. 

Once they were able to actually get one out of him, it relit a spark in him. Movement. He could move again. It took a while for him to really figure out how but after a few minutes he was finally able to open his eyes. It didn't last long before he closed them right back though. So bright. The lights were blinding. He was able to tell by a change in color in his eyelids that the lights had been turned off so he once again attempted to open his eyes. Now he could see just what it was that was composing the music. 

He was in a hospital room surrounded by medical equipment and hooked up to random machines and tubes. His family was in the corner of the room crying. Doctors and nurses swarmed around him asking him questions that he felt too tired to answer. He was too confused. He didn't want to answer questions. He wanted his daughters and Kim to come lay with him so that he could comfort them and wipe their tears. He didn't know what was going on but what he did know was that they were crying because of him. That he was certain of. 

"Mr. Mathers-" a male doctor began to speak "Sir. I know this might be a lot for you to understand. Do you know where you are? You're in the ICU at the Detroit regional hospital. Your family found you unconscious in your home. We are doing everything we can to ensure that you are alright." 

As the health care workers continued to test him for reactions and such he began to piece together what had happened by retracing his steps. He remembered hearing the noises and the nurses talking to him for a long time. He wasn't sure how long it actually was but it felt like a long time. He remembered feeling stuck. It was like sleep paralysis. He was awake yet he couldn't move or speak. He remembered the sound of an ambulance and other people, a man talking to him. He wanted to know who that man was. There was something the man had said. Something about it being sad what had happened to him. He said he didn't deserve it. He said he'd pray for him. He could remember hearing Alaina telling Whitney to stay back and go back into her room. He remembered Hailie coming into the room asking what that noise was. But what noise was she talking about? 

Then he got it.

He remembered being in his bathroom. It was late on Christmas eve and he had stayed awake so that he could set up the santa presents under the tree. He had a bottle of sleeping pills. He wanted to hurry up and go to sleep so that he would be well rested the next morning. He knew Whitney would come into his room and crawl into bed with him in the morning excited to see what santa brought. He wanted to be rested and ready to enjoy the morning with his daughters. He was going to make pancakes and bacon and all that usual stuff for breakfast. He was going to let the girls open their presents first. Then he was going to make sure they were fed before Kim came and got them that afternoon so that they could do Christmas at her house. He had an extra little birthday surprise for Hailie seperated away from the other presents; wrapped in birthday paper instead of Christmas. It was going to be perfect and he just needed to be well rested to make sure that it was perfect and that he wouldn't be tired and would enjoy every second of it. That's all he wanted. To enjoy the morning. That's it. That's all he meant to do. He remembered the pills but he couldn't remember how many he'd taken. Not that many, right? Right? He wasn't stupid. He had taken a whole bunch of sleeping pills before during a suicide attempt years ago and that never did anything but make him throw up so what was different now? 

Tears fell harshly down his face. He couldn't help it. He didn't understand. The nurses finally backed away as his crying got more violent. Kim carefully held his head against her chest. His daughters surrounded him and did the best they could to hug onto him for dear life. The only thing separating them was the width of the bed that he was on and the many tubes and wires scattered everywhere. Whitney managed to crawl onto the hospital bed but even she was careful not to actually step on anything. He felt his child's head lie on his shoulder. That just made it worse. There was no way they fully understood what was going on. Especially not Whitney. They continued to embrace even after he had finally started to calm down. He could feel himself choking on his own tears. It was hard to catch a breath. He and his family stayed like that for a while before finally breaking up. It was late. It had to be. And it was Christmas Eve right? The girls should have been in bed, not here.   
Not at the hospital with their dad.   
Whitney fell asleep while laying on him, he held her as he spoke to Kim. He apologized. He didn't really know what to say other than sorry. They went back and forth for a while and talked. She said that it was okay but he knew that it wasn't. She said she forgave him but he wasn't sure she meant that either. At least not yet she didn't. 

"You should take them home..." 

Kim looked at him concerned

"You guys need rest. Go back to your place. Let the girls do Christmas there and you guys can come back and see me tomorrow if you want. Then when I'm released, we can do our Christmas at my place." 

Kim was obviously reluctant to leave but he was right, they did need sleep. And as parents it was their job to attempt to still make the holiday as normal as they could despite what had happened. They didn't need to know what was going on. All they needed to know was the daddy was 'sick' and needed to go to the hospital. That's it. They don't need to know the dark truth. They could learn that when they were older. He hugged them each tight one more time, gave them kisses, and said goodbye and goodnight before the four of them left and he was left with his own thoughts. 

A nurse came in to check on him, it was about 4 in the morning but he had technically just woken up so he wasn't sure if he was going to be tired enough to sleep. Luckily he was in a private room in the ICU. The nurse offered him a snack which he decided was probably a good idea to have. Not like he needed it. He had definitely put on a good few pounds the past few years. It really pissed him off too. But he probably did need something to eat to go against all the toxic stuff in his system. She also brought him some water and turned on the TV for him. She gave him the remote to the TV as well as a remote that would allow him to call a nurse if he needed something. She taught him the difference between when to hit if it was just an inconvenience call versus if he had a legitimate emergency and needed immediate care. 

"Is there anything else I could do for you right now Mr. Mathers, while I'm still here?" 

He couldn't think of anything. Not anything he needed anyways. The nurse turned and began to walk out the room. 

"Wait-" he called out 

She turned back towards him

"Can you tell me honestly... how bad it was?" 

The nurse sighed as she walked over to where his charts were being kept. She scanned through his paperwork and regretfully explained to him that he had accidentally overdosed on a very large amount of methadone. They were surprised that it hadn't actually killed him. He could hear the empathy in her voice as she said all this and she apologized once she was done saying it. It wasn't her fault though. It was his. It was his own mistake. One he had seen coming and refused to prevent. He had refused to get help before. It was his own fault. 

"Mr. Mathers. There are a lot of different programs that can help with this kind of thing. Different types that allow you to do different things. If you feel better tomorrow perhaps we could guide you through a few options." 

He nodded in agreement and she went on her way leaving him alone.


	2. Regret

'Im so fucking stupid. So fucking stupid. What the fuck is wrong with me!?' 

He was beyond pissed at himself. This was a part of fame that he had never expected to happen. Of course it happened to other celebrities but not him; never him. He had always been so careful. He joked about doing drugs in his songs but people had no idea that he really didn't do that shit in real life. It's not like he went to parties every night and got loaded on blow and whatever fucking else. It wasn't like that. Yeah he had done coke and ecstasy and things like that a few times but so had everyone else. He only did things like that if everyone else was going it too. He even got Dre to try mushrooms with him one time and he was the most strict about drug use put of all of em. So how the hell did he end up in this situation? He didn't even do drugs worse than what some of the other people were doing. He would have expected Scott Storch to be in the hospital for this shit before him. But of course it didn't matter what kind of drugs it was did it? 

It was prescribed shit. 

Shit that had been given to him by a doctor. He wasn't some crazy junkie going to the doctor lying about pain to get more meds either. It was legitimate pain. Mostly physical but sometimes mental too. These shows took a huge toll on his body. He was aching all the fucking time. That's how all of this shit started: the pain. He had broken and sprained his ankles so many times he had lost count. Same with his wrists. A few ribs. The thing that people don't tell you about being a performer is that you don't ever really heal from that because you don't have time. He would sprain an ankle, rest for a day, then have a show. By the time his ankle had fully healed he'd probably break it again a week later. He had had so many different surgeries. Had splints in his knees and ankle and shit. He tried to do ice baths to help and shit but it never worked. At least not for long. He would have to take so many pills just to help with the pain. Then came the side effects: he couldn't sleep. It was partially because he was always up late for shows that his internal clock was always fucked up but it was made worse by the medication. He had to get some hardcore stuff to be able to knock himself out. At first he only took them when he had shows which didn't seem that often until he saw how quickly he was running out. He could make himself go to sleep naturally while at home. At least he could at first. As he started to take them so much while on tours and shit he started having to use them at home too. That just made him build up a tolerance. He switched what kind he was taking for a while so that he could prevent having to up his dose but you can only do that so many times before you have to pick one to stick with. And while this was happening he was continuing to get hurt on stage and at rehearsals. He kept having to get surgeries and take meds for the pain. He took a lot of vitamins too in an attempt to heal his body. There were so many pills and vitamins and proteins and whatever that he was taking that he had become numb to it. He got to a point where he would just almost take whatever was handed to him. Whatever helps right? It became manageable after a few years; then the inevitable happened. 

The day Deshaun died... that threw him through a spiral that he never could have prepared himself for. They were okay at first. The group was mourning together and they were helping eachother get through it but no one was taking it harder than he was. He couldn't show it though because he was the one who was supposed to be there for everyone. And he didn't want to go to Dre because he didn't want to inconvenience him with those emotions. He could go to Paul but after a while he felt like a burdon. There was no one he could call at 3a.m. when he can't sleep and the pills aren't working and the sound of doodie's voice is echoing in his head telling him shit. He couldn't just call Kim. They were in a good place but it just wasn't like that between them anymore. He could talk to the group a bit but not much. As much as he hated to admit it, they had become kinda distant over the years and he didn't feel as close to them as he use to. The only person he felt like he could truly call at any time was Deshaun and he wasn't here anymore. So where does he go now? 

He had to drown himself. Drown himself in his work. Drown the pain. Drown the emotions. 

And it nearly killed him. 

These memories started to piss him off. He didn't want to be sad. He didn't want to be weak and helpless like he was right now. He didn't want to be fat. He didn't want people to laugh at him when they saw him. He didn't want people to ask what the hell had happened to him. He didn't have to fucking explain himself. He shouldn't have to explain himself. But there was nothing he could do right now. It was four in the morning and he was held down to this bed by wires and shit. He maybe could have stood up and but didn't want to mess anything up. He noticed a drawer in the bedside table and decided, out of pure boredom, to go through it. He wanted something to take his mind away from his own thoughts. Maybe he'd find a bible or something? Hotels normally had a bible in the bedside table but he wasn't sure about hospitals. Sure enough there was a small bible placed carefully in the drawer. Next to it was a small note pad and some pens. Maybe in case people wanted to write down passages? He picked the bible up and began to scan through it for words of wisdom or quotes to make him feel better but there was nothing that grabbed his attention at the moment. He instead placed on the table and reached for the notepad and pen instead. 

He wanted to better himself but there was nothing that he could do at this very moment so he instead decided on some self reflection. He began to make a list; 

Changes:   
-relationship with family   
-weight  
-relationship with friends   
-sleep schedule   
-physical health  
-mental health   
-my reputation   
-less touring 

Things needed to change. He wasn't going to sit around and feel sorry for himself anymore. That was pathetic. He didn't want to be pathetic. He wanted go be strong. He didn't want to be a loser. But he felt like such a fucking loser. He had worked so hard for what he had accomplished, worked so hard and ACTUALLY reached his goals. And yet he couldn't handle fame. He loved what he did for a living, he loved the fans, and fame definitely had its perks but sometimes he just wanted to be normal again. He knew that that wasn't really possible at this point but at the same time it was. If he were to retire, after a few years of not dropping anything people probably wouldn't act the way they do when they see him in public. People in detroit had gotten use to seeing him, and now that he'd put on a bit of weight he was almost unrecognizable.

He had been going back and forth with this idea for so long. Did he want to retire and call it a career? Did he maybe want to focus instead on building his record company and producing? It was a hard decision and he definitely wasn't in any sort of state to make that decision right now. Yet it definitely would be something for him to think about. If this is what fame would turn him in to, then he didn't want it. But was it really the fame's fault or was he just using that as an excuse to make him feel better? He read through the list of things he wanted to change and realized that these were definitely doable but they might not be easy. He didn't expect it to be easy though and he wouldn't mind the fight if it meant getting him to a better place than where he is now. 

He still didn't feel tired so he flipped to the next page and started to draw. Whatever came to mind, he put it on paper. Sketches of pill bottles, his kids, his friends, awards, recording equipment, himself. By the time he finally started to feel tired it was about 6a.m.. He didnt have a schedule so he figured he might as well attempt to sleep. Sleep without any sort of help.


	3. Hospital Holiday

There were those noises again. People walking through the halls and talking. People coming in to check on him. The clock on his bedside table read 10:23a.m.. He hadn't slept for very long, four and a half hours at most but he still felt energized. Proud too. It wasn't a long rest but it was the longest he had slept without medication in a while. And he slept pretty hard too. Guess all that thinking really tore into his energy. 

"Good Morning." A nurse said she she entered into his room. It was a different lady from the night before, the other girls shift must have ended.   
"How are you feeling?" 

"Fine honestly. I don't know if that's weird or..." 

"No. That's a good thing. No nausea, headache, blurriness?" 

"A bit of a headache but that's it." 

"It says on your sheet that they suspect that you might have a concussion from the fall." 

"That would make sense." 

"How about your appetite? Do you feel hungry?" 

Marshall hadn't realized it until then but he actually was really hungry. He had had that snack the night before but he still felt like he hadn't eaten in a long while. 

"Yeah I actually am." 

He hates admitting that out loud. It always made him feel bad to be hungry. Back in the day he use to be able to eat whatever he wanted and didn't have to worry about gaining weight but now. Now look at him. Fucking 200 some pounds. It always felt like he was being stared at and judged when he ate now. He'd never had that problem before until about a year or so ago. He knew better than to think that a nurse of all people would judge him but still. 

The nurse wrote some notes on her clipboard "I'll see about getting you something for breakfast. Any diet restrictions, allergies, preferences?" 

"Something healthy." 

"All we have is healthy so you won't have to worry about that. Were you able to sleep last night?" 

"For a few hours." 

"That's good to hear." She took a few more notes "alright all be back with some food for you." 

Thank god he didn't have to get up and go somewhere to get food. He would have hated having to sit with a whole bunch of other people all in sad hospital gowns. He hated hospitals. So many memories at hospitals, good and bad. 

The nurse came back about 20 minutes later with a tray of food. Toast, eggs, bacon, fruit, juice, water. The usual. He was surprised how good it looked considering that it was hospital food. She placed the tray on the small table that was across from his bed. 

"Can- can i get up?" He asked as he watched her do this

"I'm going to help you so make sure youre stable and to make sure nothing comes undone." 

She helped him out of the bed and moved the equipment closer to the table as he walked. His legs were shaky after lying down for so long but other than that he felt fine. Once he was seated he was left alone to eat in peace. He definitely appreciated the amount of spcae that he was getting. After he ate he was free to walk around the room as he pleased, he was no longer confined to the bed. The doctor and nurses did numerous tests to check how he was doing throughout the day and determined that it was a good idea to keep him there the rest of the day and discharge him the next. Some time around noon an addiction specialist came to see him. They sat down together and looked through a few pamphlets for rehabilitation centers. At first they looked at ones just in Michigan but Marshall wanted whatever one was best regardless of location. Plus they had to take into account that he was a celebrity which would be a huge factor in choosing a place that wasn't going to have him being bombarded by fans. The specialist then pulled out a pamphlet for the Promises Center in Malibu, they were notorious for helping high profile celebrities with their addictions. They had extra security that specialized in keeping fans and paparazzi away and had a system in order to keep things discreet. That way no one would ever know he was there unless he decided to tell them. It was a perfect choice for him. Plus it was in Malibu which would put him in some much needed sunshine. The winters in Detroit were harsh and always seemed to bring his mood down; even the christmas lights didn't make him feel better. 

Christmas. 

He had completely forgotten that it was Christmas day. He was honestly glad that none of the staff had told him Merry Christmas or anything else like that. That would have just made him feel worse. 

The specialist let him have all of the pamphlets and printed out a bunch of additional information about Promises for him to read through. He looked through the pictures of the place and felt a wave of calm and triumph come over him. That list of changes he made? He was about to start crossing out some boxes. This was exactly what he needed. And this way, he didn't have to do it on his own. He'd have people coaching him throughout the whole thing. He read through everything a few times and honestly got a bit excited about going. 

"Mr. Mathers." 

Hm? 

"The doctor thinks that you might be okay now to be unhooked from the I.V. if you'd like to give it a try." 

"Doing it myself!?" 

She giggled "Absolutely not. I mean to try seeing how you feel without it. Then you could take a shower and go for a walk even if you felt like it." 

A shower did sound nice so he let her unhook him from everything. 

"I also was told that you might have visitors a bit later." 

Thats right. He had told Kim to come back with the girls today if they felt like it. He had almost forgotten. A nurse excused herself to take another call and explained that she would come back with some clean hospital clothes for him to wear after he showered. Now that he didn't have to be hooked to anything he was free to wear the t-shirt and sweatpants that the hospital provided rather than the gown. She was gone for no more than a half hour before coming back with some clean clothes and a towel for him. He used the bathroom before turning on the shower and letting the water warm up. As he waited he looked around the tiny bathroom. It was funny how much these ICU rooms kinda looked like a hotel room. He inspected his face in the mirror and found himself looking rough. Either last night really fucked him up or he was just now noticing just how dead he had looked over the past few months. He didn't like it. It was scary. His face was full yet he looked so dead. His eyes seemed tired and lifeless. His skin was pale but covered in marks and scars. The warm water hit his skin and sent chills down his spine. It was comforting. He lathered up a small bar of soap and a wet wash cloth then attempted to use them to scrub off any traces of regret from the night before. The soap dripped off of his body and down the drain but he wasn't ready to get out yet. 

He normally took 5 maybe 10 minutes in the shower but that almost felt too fast this time. This was the most normal he had felt since he was brought here so instead of getting out, he turned the heat up a little bit and sat down. With his back pressed against the tile wall he let the warm water run over him. He sat there for another 10 minutes or so before he heard what sounded like people coming into his room. Assuming it was a nurse coming to check on him he decided to turn the water off and get dressed. He continued to stare at himself in the mirror as he got dressed. You really couldn't notice the weight gain once he put clothes on. That made him feel a bit better. It was weird how much more clear his head felt. Not ready to yet go back to the confines of a hospital room he sighed as he opened the door.

"Daddy!" 

What? Whitney came running at him as he entered into the room. Completely confused as to what the hell was going on he found a pile of presents sitting on the table and Haili and Alaina sitting on his hospital bed. He picked up his youngest and gave her a kiss. Kim got up from where she was sitting and came over to hug him. 

"What are you guys doing?" He asked surprised 

"They didn't want to do presents without you so i took them to my moms this morning and they did Christmas there. And since you won't be out until tomorrow we decided to bring our Christmas here."

Marshall was so grateful. How'd he get so lucky to have a family like this. Even though he and Kim weren't together anymore she still did shit like this for him.

"We brought all of the presents from my place, and I also asked the nurses for permission to bring some leftovers so that we could have dinner together tonight and they said that was fine." 

He hugged onto Kim and kissed her cheek "you really didn't have to do this." 

"But you're glad I did." 

"I really am. You should come over to my place tomorrow and do a second Christmas with us. You only brought the stuff from your palce right?" 

"You don't want a Christmas alone with them?" 

"I don't get one if you don't." 

Kim smiled "So does that mean you're for sure getting out of here tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow morning."

"I'll come pick you up then. Then we can do Christmas at your place." 

"Sounds like a plan. I'll tell you all about what the doctors said tomorrow, but for now-" he looked over at the girls "I think my little boogers have some gifts to tear into" he said while tickling Whitney. 

Kim pulled put a small speaker and hooked her IPod up to it so that she could play some soft Christmas music. Santa hats were pulled out of a bag and distributed among them. Kim pulled out some tinsel and draped it on the counters around the room. Alaina pulled a tiny table top christmas tree out of the bag and placed it in the center of the room. 

"Ta-da!" 

They all laughed at how tiny this 1 foot tree was compared to the rest of the room. Marshall looked around at the last minute decorations and began to set up the presents while Kim placed some blanlets on the floor for them to sit on. 

"You really go all out huh?" Marsh joked 

"I try" Kim said with a wink   
  
The kids had a blast opening their presents to see what Kim and 'santa' had gotten for them. Every time Whitney unwrapped a toy she immediately handed it to her father to open. Marshall sat there with a random pile of toys on his lap. 

"Baby girl I don't have anything to open these with. Maybe it's a good idea for you to wait until you guys get back home okay?" 

Marshall opened one or two toys for her to play with so that she wouldn't be disappointed but he knew Kim was glad he had left the rest unopened. It would have been a hassle to get everything back home if it were already open. Alaina and Hailie both freaked out to find that their Santa presents consisted of a new Ipod Touch for each of them and different accessories to go with them. They had been begging for one since it was released. Luckily they had the money now that they could get their kids good gifts like that. 

They let the kids play with their new stuff for a little while before deciding to eat dinner. Kim pullet a small set up of turkey, rolls, and various side dishes out of the small fridge that was in his room. They heated it all up in the microwave and sat down at the table together as a family. Marshall poured them each a cup of sparkling apple cider. A tradition for holidays in their family. The Christmas music played on in the background as they ate and talked. A nurse came in to check on him before they sat down to eat but left quickly after. He had completely forgotten about why he was there. They enjoyed the food and each others company. Once they had finished eating, he began to feel a bit of dread come over him. He didn't want them to leave. He did his best to hide it while he cleaned up the girls plates and got the place looking tidy again. Kim put the paper plates and cups that she had brought back into her bag. Marshall sighed softly while he watched her do this. He walked over to where Hailie and Alaina were sitting and playing on their new devices. He gently bonked their heads together and began to tease them playfully as any father would about their new stuff. 

"Kids which movie do you wanna watch?" 

Marshall quickly looked over and saw Kim pulling a few DVDs and some hot chocolate mix out of the bag. So they weren't leaving yet? That was a relief. He wasn't ready to be alone yet. They picked a movie and settled in together on the couch that was next to his bed. Marshall made them each a cup of hot chocolate while Kim and the girls got cozy. He snuggled with his babies and relaxed as they enjoyed the rest of their holiday together. And he had tomorrow to look forward to too. Little things to be thankful for before starting what may be the hardest battle of his life.


	4. Restless

He hadn't slept well that night. Despite all that had happened the previous day he still wasn't able to make himself sleep. He tried every method he could think of but it didn't work. He definitely slept but just not for long. The smallest noise could wake him up. It'd be another 45 minutes before he'd be able to fall asleep again. It was torturous. He hadn't noticed before how hard it was for him to sleep on his own because he was so use to having pills for help. By the time morning came he wasn't ready to get up yet. He got up and showered, this time they let him change into some of his own clothes that Kim had brought to him the night before. He ate a little bit in the morning but had plans to eat with the girls just a little later so he made sure not to get too full. He collected what little stuff he had with him including the notes and pamphlets. By 10:30a.m. he was walking out the door with Kim by his side and heading home. 

Within the hour he was back at his place with the girls. It was almost unsettling. The house was still completely as it had been when they left 2 nights before. The presents were still in tact. The food he was planning to make the next morning was still in the fridge. He didn't even bother to go upstairs. He didn't want to. Instead he got some music going like Kim had done the night before and set the girls up with seats on the couch so that he could distribute their presents. They got their stockings first and the two parents took pictures on Marshall's camera as the kids went through them. As a parent, he never expected his kids to get him anything and was always touched when they did. He was surprised when he opened up a bottle of high dollar cologne. The tag read that it was from the girls but he knew that they had picked it out and Kim covered the cost. Lucky for her though he had a few gifts for her as well. He always got her a little something every year but this year he spoiled her a bit since she had been having some relationship troubles. Shit they both had been. She smacked him in the arm as she opened up a new necklace with a matching set of earrings. They were exactly her taste, he knew what she liked. Once everyone had opened their presents, Marshall pulled out the birthday surprise that he had for Hailie. It was a massive box. 

"You're not gonna be able to guess what this is." He said as he placed it in front of her. 

She tore into the huge box to find another wrapped box inside that was only a bit smalled than the first time. Hailie glared at her dad and he smirked back.

He did this every year. 

By the time Hailie got to opening her real gift she had opened and unwrapped 10 boxes that were all placed inside one another like a birthday nesting doll. Her eyes went wide and she almost screamed as she opened the small box that contained her real gift. 

"You did not." 

"I did." 

"You really got me tickets to see Drake!?" 

"And a meet n greet. But the rule is that your mother has to go with you and you only get to take 2 friends. Deal?" 

"Deal." She said as she ran over to give him a hug

Kim looked over at him and mouthed the words 'nailed it'

The rest of the day continued on exactly as he had been hoping for it to two days ago. If anything it was better because now the kids got to do Christmas with both their parents for the first time in a few years. All good things must come to an end though. While the girls were in the living room playing with their mew stuff Marshall and Kim slipped away to another room to talk. He told her about the treatment center and she agreed that it might be what was best for him at the time. They discussed how long the treatment was expected to take and if the girls could visit him. It was decided the he would fly to LA as soon as he could and get himself into the program. The kids would stay with Kim for at long as it took, then once he was feeling better he would take the girls on some sort of nice vacation as a way to hopefully make up for the time he's gone. He expected to be gone only for a month, at the most maybe three. He would probably have to wait until the girls were done with school to take them anywhere but that was fine. It would give him some time to adjust to being back. 

"Marshall." She said gently "I'm proud of you for doing this. No judgememt at all. I think this will be for the better. I think you'll be much happier." 

He started to tear up "I think I will be too." 

"It's gonna be hard but it's nothing you can't handle." 

Those words were reassuring, specially coming from her. No one knew what he could and couldn't handle better than her. 

They joined the girls in the living room and spent what time with them that they could. Or really that he could. He was trying to take in every moment. It's not like he hadn't been away from them for long periods of time before, of course he had. He had gone on tour and shit so many times but this was different. It's not like he could decide to fly home when he missed them or fly them out to see him for a weekend. He didn't want them to see him going through this. He didn't even want them to know where he was so for now they decided to tell them that he would be gone simply for work. It's not like it wasn't believable. He would spend the next two days with the girls then on Friday they would go back with Kim to her place so that they can spend some time with her before they go back to school. He hated that he was having to do this but it was for the better. 

Over the next few days he did everything with his daughters that he could to do. He took them ice skating. Took them shopping. He made breakfast both mornings and they went out for lunch and dinner. Whatever the girls wanted he was ready to give them. While they were out at lunch the next day he had explained to them that he would be leaving for a while. After a bit of discussion the previous night he and Kim had instead decided to tell the girls that he was sick and was leaving to get treatment. Pneumonia. That's what they were going with. So instead of telling them that he'd be gone for work, he instead told them that he would be working with a few doctors in LA to get healthy again. He wasn't lying; he just wasn't telling the whole truth. The girls seemed to handle this news better than they would have if he had gone with the previous plan. They understood that it wasn't his choice to leave, it was something he had to do. He told them that he would be alright and that he would come back perfectly healthy. They had nothing to worry about. 

The time finally came on Saturday for Kim to come get them. It was bittersweet to say goodbye. He knew that the next time he saw them he would be a different person. A better person. They weren't just saying goodbye to him, they were also saying goodbye to the crippling drug addict that he had become. He stood outside and watched as they pulled off down the street and out of sight. 

Now he had to prepare.

He would be flying to LA tomorrow so that he would have time to rest for the rest of the day after his flight. He had a hotel booked to stay in that night then on Monday he would head off to the facility. He had spoken on the phone with a few advisers, given insurance info, and had it set up for his arrival. They would be expecting him. They told him what to bring and explained that if there was any thing he had forgotten or needed more of that he could have someone buy it for him or have his family or friends could bring it to him. He packed whatever he could think to pack. He brought a few notebooks and drawing pads. Things to keep him entertained yet allow him to express himself. Clothes. Hygiene stuff. Comfort items. Once he was done packing he stood back and inspected it to make sure he wasn't missing anything. It was almost funny. It was damn near the exact same stuff he would pack if he were going on tour for a month. 

The next morning he had Paul pick him up so that they could go to breakfast together before he dropped him off at his plane. They got a secluded area in the restaurant so that they would be unbothered and could talk. He of course had kept Paul in the loop since the morning after he collapsed. Paul and a few others knew about what had happened but no one else. Only people who really mattered and knew to keep it a secret were told. They talked about his plan to keep it a secret from the girls and explained that he wanted it to be kept a secret from media too. And if God forbid any paparazzi came forward with pictures of an ambulance or anything, they'd just say he had pneumonia. Maybe he would admit to it later but for now the wound was still too raw. They finished their meal and made their way to the runway where Marshall's private jet was waiting. It felt like a strange luxury taking a private jet to get to rehab. He felt like he didn't deserve it. 

Sigh

A firm hand gripped onto Marshall's shoulder "You'll be okay. I'm rootin for ya, just like I always have, and just like I always will." Paul said with reassuring tone

His luggage was loaded onto the plane and within 20 minutes he was a mile above ground and alone with his thoughts. The clouds rolled past his window as he gazed out into the abyss. He let out another sigh but this time it was one of relief. He was able to relax and be by himself. He pulled a blanket over him and continued to stare out the window. Something about being high up in the clouds always made him think about life. It made him feel calm and gave him the mental clarity that he needed in order to convince himself that everything was going to be fine. He was disappointed in himself for letting it get to this point but he didn't hate himself for it. And he was proud that he was brave enough to decide to get help on his own. It was just another misstep. Nothing but a hiccup. It would definitely affect him for the rest of his life but it wasn't something that was going to have a grip on him forever. Not like it did in this moment. That was calming for him. Knowing that this would pass and all be a memory. 

He didn't sleep on the plane. He didn't want to. For once, not sleeping was his own choice. He had enjoyed watching the clouds the whole way there. Excitement came over him for a second as his plane descended but he was quickly reminded of why he was there. It wasn't for a show or a studio session. He texted Kim and Paul to let them know that he had made it safely. A cheaffuer transported him from LAX to a hotel in Malibu. It was resort that was known for hosting celebrities and was surprisingly private, maybe that's why so many celebrities liked the place. Once he had checked in he headed up to the 5th floor to find his room. A basic suite. Small living room and kitchenette area. Large bedroom with a balcony. The usual. By the time he had made it to the hotel it was about 3.p.m. Los Angeles time, 6p.m. Detroit time. He had a plan for someone to come and get him at 11 the next morning. It was probably best that he ordered room service for dinner, took a shower, and rested for the rest of the night. Once he had eaten and showered he changed into some pajama pants and a black t-shirt. He found a pair of long socks in his bag and put those on too. The air in the room was crisp, exactly how he normally liked it but today he just couldn't handle it. He turned up the temperature to 75° and next went to the windows. He shut the curtains so that almost no light was coming through. Next he crawled into bed and turned on the TV. It definitely wasn't the most eventful evening but it was one that he needed. He knew it would take a while for him to be able to sleep so it was best to just get into bed early.   
The TV played on in the background as he attempted to fall asleep. He would watch whatever show was on for a while then he would stare at the ceiling or the wall. His eyelids became heavy but regardless he still couldn't sleep. Ugh. It was frustrating. To top it all off, he was cold. Granted it was winter and it was cold outside, even a bit chilly in LA, but he was really cold. After a while he got up and turned off the A/C completely. The lack of noise bothered him though so he turned up the TV to mask the silence. However the volume of the TV made it even more difficult for him to sleep. He went back and forth for most of the night with the cold and the volume. Just a recipe for another restless night.


	5. A New Start

He really had been hoping to be well rested but nope. His alarm went off at 9 a.m. and he felt like he had barely slept a wink. Figures. He had showered the night before so he really didn't feel the need to shower again. He washed his face and ordered breakfast from room service. He needed to eat before heading to the facility but he was worried that his nerves would make him feel sick. He already was feeling a bit uneasy, the food might just make it worse. He ate only healthy options: some fruit, toast, coffee, nothing that could make him feel worse. His heart began to race faster as the minutes passed by. 

'Time goes on. It'll all be a memory one day.'

He did his best to assure himself that everything was okay but it was no use. Unsure of whether he would be able to have his phone or not, he texted Kim and Paul one more time to let them know he appreciated their support. He wanted to call but was certain he'd get emotional and he didn't want that. Not now. The time dragged on until his phone finally rang, alerting him that his ride was outside. His belongings were put back together in his backs and carried back downstairs towards the parking lot. It was a surprisingly short ride to the Promises Center, if he didn't know any better he would have thought he was pulling up to someones house. The facility itself almost looked like a small mansion. He had expected it to look more like a hospital. Was he at the right place? He really didn't know what to expect a rehab center to look like but this wasn't what he had envisioned. Weird. He took his bags and made his way to the door. The door opened before he had even reached the front steps and soon he was greeted by a woman maybe 10 years older than him. 

"Mr. Mathers? Hello hello we have been expecting you." She shook his hand "We are so happy that you're here. So proud that you've come so far." 

Come so far? He hadn't even done anything yet? 

"Come on inside and we'll get you all settled okay? I need you to sign just a couple of forms real quick then I'll give you the grand tour." 

He stepped inside the facility to find that the inside was a reflection of the outside. Even indoors it looked almost like someones house except that there was a large office connected off the side of the living room. He could see two other people sitting on the couches in the living room. He was led into the office area and handed a small stack of papers. 

"These are just the forms that we had already gone over over the phone, we just need those last few signatures so that everything will be in order. We decided on a 30 day plan is that right?"

He nodded 

"Perfect. And if we find that you need more than 30 days then that's not a problem. We could always extend it to 60 or 90. Whichever you need alright?" 

"Alright..." 

"Okie doke let me just look through these real quick." She said as she scanned his signatures "alrighty it looks like we're all set. First things first I'm going to have you set your luggage right over here. My friend Jared here is just going to look through your stuff if you don't mine to make sure you didn't bring anything that could be of potential harm to you or others okay? Then he'll take your bags to your room for you once he's done. I also need to confiscate your phone. I don't mind if you need a minute to send one last text or make a phone call to let friends and family know that youre safe." 

He had already told everyone he needed to that he was here so there was no reason for him to spend another minute with his phone. 

"Don't worry. Any belongings we find that we might need to keep from you will be kept in a save that is just for you. Only staff members will have access to it and only your stuff will be kept in it okay?" 

He nodded 

"Alrighty now that we've got that settled, let's get to the fun stuff, huh?" 

She introduced herself as the head coordinator of the center. She was the one who made sure that it ran smoothly. The facility was designed to look more like a house so that the patients there felt comfortable. It also only housed up to 20 patients at a time but even then they only had 10 patients currently and he was the 11th. The place was a safe haven for celebrities but was not exclusive to them, anyone who could afford them could get treatment there. There was a large dining room where they would have their meals. Each meal ran for 2 hours a day: breakfast from 8-10, lunch 12-2, and dinner 5-7. Snacks and beverages were always available to the patients throughout the day as well as night. There were a lot of rooms in this mini mansion. A yoga / meditation room. A few small rooms for one on one therapy sessions. 2 large rooms for group sessions. 20 bedrooms for patients, and a few additional rooms for overnight staff. A large kitchen. Two different living rooms, one for fun and one for quiet as the coordinator described them. There was a large yard outside with a pool and lounge chairs. He could see that the yard was set up with a few different games. The place overall was pretty huge yet kinda cozy. They made their way back up towards the bed rooms. The fourth door on the left would belong to him for the duration of his stay, the room was very similar to a dorm room. Small room with a twin bed, a desk, a chair, and a small bathroom. Kinda reminded him of jail. 

Once he had had a minute to look around the room and see the view from the window by his bed he was handed a sheet of paper. On this paper contained a layout of their daily schedule. They would wake up at 6:30a.m. every day and besides their meal times, the whole day was spent going to therapy sessions, yoga/meditation sessions, classes to help understand what they were going through, and other things like that. The classes and sessions were sprawled out at random times throughout the day meaning that he had the freedom to choose what he did at what times. It didn't matter what order he went to these sessions as long as he went to them. And there were different ones he could go to. He had a choice between 2 different yogas and 3 different meditations. He could choose to do individual or group therapy but he was required to do at least 3 of each kind a week. He could choose which informational classes to go to based on what he was going through. It was designed to be helpful overall yet give him the freedom to make it his own. It sounded kinda nice and now that he was here he didn't mind it so much. His anxiety had gone away once he realized that it was more of a calm environment.

He had about an hour of leisure time to get his stuff put away or explore before he had to go to a welcoming seminar. He was the only person in the seminar and was given a more in depth overview of the rules and how the facility worked. They wanted to make sure that he fully understood what it was that he was getting into. The seminar lasted close to two hours. As it got close to being over he glanced at the paper schedule to see what it was he was supposed to do next. There was still an hour of lunch left so he was excused to help himself to whatever meal had been prepared. There were 5 people still in the dining hall when he first entered, he scanned the food to find that it was prepared like a small buffet. There were a few different options in sides and meats and things of the sort. Once he made himself a plate he walked back to find that there were now only 3 people at the table. 

It was kinda weird. All of a sudden he felt like he had been thrown back to when he was a kid. It was like being at lunch at a new school and not knowing anyone who you could sit with except now there was only one table. He pulled up a seat across and to the side of where the three people were dining together. Two girls were seated on one side with a guy sitting across from them. One of the girls appeared to be no older than 23 and had a very typical Hollywood look to her. The woman next to her was closer to his age and seemed a bit more sophisticated than the blonde seated next to her. The man who had to be in his fifties seemed rough around the edges. If he hadn't known any better he'd think they were some sort of dysfunctional silicon valley family. They noticed him as he set his stuff down.  
  
"Hey. Come on over we're all friends here." The woman stated 

He had nothing to lose so... he slid his plate over next to where the man was sitting. 

"You just get in?" The young girl sitting across from him asked 

"Um yeah. Like two or three hours ago I think." He replied softly

"You gotten a chance to look around yet?" 

"Not yet. I just got out of the orientation." 

"Oh yeah forgot you had to go through orientation." The man said before taking a bite of his food. 

The man introduced himself as Howard, the woman was Tina, and the girl was Harmony. 

"So what's your story?" Tina asked 

"Like how I got here? Prescription stuff. Mainly sleeping pills and a few pain relievers." 

"I had pain relievers myself." She replied

"Oh yeah." 

"Being a CEO can be hard work. You need something to help take the edge off." 

So she was a CEO. 

"Pills seem to be more popular now a days." Howard added on 

"You too?" Marsh asked 

"Not me." He said as he pointed to the younger girl

"Ecstasy. Things like that. My parents think i have a partying problem but I don't. I can stop if I want to, it's just that I don't want to." 

Pill poppin party girl. The type Marshall use to be all over. 

"I think mine is more typical." Howard started "Alcoholism. Runs in the family." 

"That's sad. I'm worried I might have a bit of that issue too." Marshall said softly

"Doesn't everyone though? The only difference is that we own up to it." Tina joked.

They talked a bit more about the facility and what it was like. It made him feel a bit more confident now that it seemed like he had made a few friends. He was honestly a bit surprised that nobody, not even Harmony, had brought up who he was. Either they didn't recognize him or they just didn't care. They continued to talk until it got closer to 2, the small group had to get back to completing whatever activies they had left for the day before they were allowed to lounge around at 5. 

Unsure of what to do next he went back to find one of the staff members and explain that he had finished orientation and wasn't sure what to do now. The staff member walked with him back to his room and found a folder of papers that had been placed on his desk earlier. Inside the folder was a few sheets of 'homework' that he had to have completed by the end of the night. Mainly just some informational packets to read through, questions about self reflection, a deeper description of each class and seminar they had here. He had to come with a schedule for the next day and get it approved by a staff remember to make sure it was close to what they had had in mind for him. He spent the rest of his time doing this homework and puttting his stuff away. He had been able to finish everything by the time dinner time came so he took the papers with him to the dining area. As he walked in he quickly spotted Howard who seemed like he had just entered shorty before he did. 

"Get you a plate my friend, they got all sorts of good stuff to eat. We're going to sit outside you wanna join?" 

"Can we do that?" 

"Of course we can. It's a beautiful day out and they would rather us get some fresh air." 

"I'll be right out there I just gotta get this stuff to someone first." 

He found the head coordinator and handed her the paperwork. She told him she'd put it in her office and go over it, she'd return his schedule some time after dinner. They ate and got to know eachother a bit better. Finally Howard addressed the elephant in the room and asked if he was that 'rap guy he's always heard about'. They groveled over him a bit, mainly asking what it was like to be a famous musician, then after they had gotten that out of the way it wasn't really brought up again besides in passing. After the two hours for dinner was up, all patients and a few staff members were told to sit together outside for afternoon reflections.   
Basically it was a small group session where they were free to talk about whatever was in their mind whether it was good, bad, or even if it didn't have anything to do with rehabilitation. It could be about whatever they felt they wanted to discuss and if it only lasted 20 minutes then great. If it lasted 3 hours then that's good too. The session started with him introducing himself for a quick minute, they gave him the choice to start off the reflection but he didn't really know how so he just talked for a few minutes about how this was new for him, it was kinda scary, and he was hoping it would go well for him. Everyone welcomed and congratulated him for being here. For the next 45 minutes they went around the circle and just talked, patients and staff members all joined in on the discussion. They let some people rant about struggled and others share their accomplishments. Everyone also quickly introduced themselves to him before going on their own spiel. Talk about a fast paced way to meet everyone. Once their session was over a few people lingered to just relax and talk with one another but others were free to go and do as they pleased. 

"Come on there's still daylight left. I'll challenge ya to a game of croquet." Howard said while patting him on the shoulder

"Seriously?" 

"Oh he's serious." Harmony added "that's like all he ever wants to do." 

"I'm a master at it. What? is mister hot shot too cool to play a game with me?" 

"What? No I'll play. I have no fucking clue how to actually play but I'll play" 

"No one actual knows how. Except him." Tina said

"Yup! That's why I'm the master. Let's go." 

They walked across the yard to where a small croquet set was set up. 

"Prepare to get smoked young'n" 

Young'n?? Marshall about died laughing. There was something he hadn't been called in a while. 

"Young'n huh? Shiiit well alright. You're on old man." Marshall teased back 

The time flew by as they played a few rounds, Marshall had really gotten a hang of it by the time they were told that it was time to rest. 

"We have a bed time?" Marshall asked 

"Kinda" Harmony explained "You don't have to go to sleep but you gotta stay in your room. You can still get a snack or something but you can't be up doing stuff." 

Made sense. 

The group said their goodnights and headed back to their own rooms for the night. Marshall closed his door behind him and pulled out his pajamas from a drawer, might as well get comfortable. While going through his stuff he noticed the notebook that he had packed. He picked it up and flipped through the blank pages before setting it down on the desk. He wanted to keep a log of his time here, mainly for himself to look back on. He decided he would write about how his first day went after he had taken a shower. 

*knock knock knock* 

Hm? He opened the door and found a male staff member on the otherside. 

"Mr. Mathers? Here's a copy of your schedule. It looks great, seems like you read through everything carefully. Just so you know you don't have to stick with this exact schedule every day. You can change it up once you get more comfortable with how things work here. Also here are your sleeping pills for the night." 

Marshall stared down at the small baggie contaning two pills that the man held out to him 

"My what?" He asked concerned 

"Sleeping pills." 

"Why? I don't need those." 

"I beg to differ. It says on your chart that you came in with a sleeping pill addiction correct?" 

"Yeah?" 

"Mr. Mathers I'm sure this is confusing but let me explain. When someone is addicted to something it isn't healthy to just quit cold turkey. We have to ease you off of it. Your body doesn't know how to survive without these supplements yet so for now you will be taking a very small dosage at night. We will provide these dosages, cutting them down every few nights, until your dosage is quite literally cut to zero milligrams. Does that make sense?" 

He nodded.

"These might not even do much for you. I noticed that you use to take quite a few milligrams to get through the night. Here. I need to watch you take them."

Marshall carefully took the pills from him. He was handed a bottle of water to chase them. He didn't need a chaser but he used it anyways. 

"Open your mouth." 

He did as he was told 

"Perfect. I appreciate your cooperation. We want you to be able to heal safely as be well rested. Your dosages can be adjusted if you feels its neccessary but our on hand doctors need to approve each dosage change. Have a good night." 

Well that killed his mood. It was kinda defeating to come all this way just to be given pills. He understood the reason behind it but he still hated it. He gathered up his clothes and stepped into the bathroom to shower. After he washed up he sat there with the water running over him for a while like he had done at the hospital a few days ago. Once he got dressed he sat down at the desk and opened his notebook. He wrote the date at the top: December 31st. 

Great. He had spent Christmas day in the hospital and now he was spending New Years eve in rehab. Talk about a good fuckign start to the new year. But it was a good start. If him starting off January 1st with his first real day at rehab wasn't a sign of something good coming that he didn't know what was. He finished up his journal entry and crawled into bed.


	6. Repetition

He had attempted to sleep real early on in the night, he probably laid down at about 9 but it took until at least 12:30 for him to fall asleep. This definitely kicked his ass the next morning when he was woken up at 6:30. An intercom in the corner of his room announced that it was time to get up and start the day. He laid there for another few minutes before getting dressed. He didn't want to be late for his first legit day. His schedule said they they started their mornings off with yoga and meditation so he threw on some sweat pants and a tank top. Comfortable and easy to move around in. The yoga session had a bit of an intense workout to it but was mostly breathing and stretching. The last 10 minutes of the session was saved for a guided meditation. He laid on a yoga mat and did as it said. 'Let the negative energy escape through your body and into the floor' whatever that meant, but okay. He did feel relaxed and the stretching was really nice too. He was always so sore from shows so it was nice to focus a good hour just on helping his muscles. 

He slipped away to his room for a quick shower before heading to eat. He didn't want to go the rest of the day covered in sweat. And he definitely didn't want to stay in sweat pants either. He and his new group of friends all sat together as well as with some of the others that he had met the day before. They talked a bit about his schedule for the day and offered to help him find everything as the day went on. Rather than jumping straight into therapy, his day was started with a few informational classes. The first one he went to was about addiction in general, what was it and why did it happen. The second course was specific to drug addiction. He found these each really fascinating in their own right. He felt understood. Rather than thinking he was a total failure he instead recognized that he was just sick. Addiction was a disease just like cancer. 

Once the two sessions were over he headed to lunch with his friends. Today he learnes that he didn't have to stay in the dining hall for the whole two hours. If he only ate for 30 minutes then he had the rest of this time to himself. That was good to know. He also didn't have to eat right at 12 if he wasn't hungry. He could wait as long as he wanted to eat just as long as he was ready to go by 2. Same for every meal. That would explain why no one got onto him for going back to his room to shower during breakfast time. 

After lunch was over it was time for him to go to his first one on one therapy session. He had been to therapy a couple times before but he never stuck with it. He didn't like the idea of therapy. Why would he pay someone who didn't care about him to listen to his problems? If he really wanted to talk to someone he'd talk to someone who cared, like Kim or Paul or Dre. He had honestly never felt like he needed to talk to someone that desperately. For the most part he just talked about his feelings in his songs. That was his therapy. Regardless though he still went to this therapy session. The first session went as they always do, more of a session to get comfortable with one another and come up with a list of topics to talk about in next sessions. They weren't going to jump right into the terrible details on the first sit down of course. He came up with a list of topics that might be worth looking into: 

-his parents   
-family relationships   
-relationship with Kim  
-Deshaun's death  
-loneliness   
-fame

It was a good start that could easily fill a few sessions. He talked a little bit about each bullet point so that his therapist knew what she was getting into. 

Once that session had ended, the rest of the day went about exactly as it did the day before. 

And so did the next day. 

And the next day. 

And the next day. 

They switched it up a little bit on Friday and had a group party outside to celebrate the end of the week. They had music going. Snacks. Drinks. Games. Not much different from any other day besides a few extra things to do. It hadn't taken very long for Marshall to get use to his schedule. In fact, his day was so mundane that it didn't take long at all before he felt like he had already been here for a while. The sessions were essentially all the same every day. Even the informational sessions were a bit repetitive. Were they still informational? Of course. But once you had been to one of each kind you had essentially been to all of em. The only thing that ever eeally seemed to change was the food, the conversations with his friends, and the therapy sessions. Other than that it was damn near the same thing every day. And he knew that having a repetitive schedule was supposed to be helpful and comforting to people struggling with addiction but goddamn it was really starting to piss him off. He could be in the studio every day for a whole week straight and not one day would be like the others. 

It also didn't help that he had officially been without sleeping pills for over a week now. He had the tiny doses that they were giving him before bed but those were nothing. His body was starting to go through the detoxing and withdrawal process. That mixed with the lack of sleep and everything being the same every day was really starting to piss him off. He told himself that he could handle it for another 25 days but as another day went by and he became more restless he really wasn't so sure anymore. In the beginning of the day one of the staff members noticed he was upset and pulled him aside to ask what was wrong. He really didn't want to tell him so he brushed it off, said that he wasn't sure he was adjusting well, and went about his day. 

He woke up Monday morning ready to go back to bed. He had officially been there a week and was really starting to understand why peope seemed to hate rehab. He pulled himself out of bed and made his way to meditation. He had to admit that he didn't mind the yoga, his muscles did feel a lot better. As he sat with his friends at breakfast he scanned through then list of classes he had been given on the first day. He had gone to so many seminars about pills and addiction. They were all so similar that he was losing track of which ones he had gone to and which he hadn't. On the list he spotted a class about sex addiction. That had to be interesting. No one had to know he didn't have a sex addiction. He could just lie and say he did. That wasn't a totally unrealistic addiction for a celebrity to have. 

"Mr. Mathers." 

He looked up to find the facility coordinator standing beside his seat. Fuck. He had to have done something wrong. 

"You mind stepping with me into the living room for a minute?" 

Yup. He fucked up. 

His friends gave him looks as he got up from the table and followed her into the next room. She sat down on one of the couches.

"Have a seat. So. It's been brought to my attention that maybe you feel you aren't adjusting too well. Is that right?" 

Oh yeah. That. 

"Honestly..." he had to be careful with his words here "I'm just not use to it yet. Or I'm not use to it in terms of it being a long run thing instead of something that just lasts a few days? I dunno." 

"I understand that it can be hard. It's like going away for college. You are excited at first then once you realize you have a long ways to go it can become scary. Does that sound similar to how you feel?" 

"Yeah I think so." That was a lie. He was far from scared. 

"Well. I went ahead and scheduled for you to have a visitor tomorrow after lunch. I was thinking that if you're okay with it we could move your schedule around a bit so that you have your therapy in the morning instead of your sessions. That way you skip a session instead of therapy in the afternoon." 

"Can we even have visitors?" 

"Visitors are a case to case thing. Depends entirely on the situation. Don't get use to it though. It's not uncommon for us to have to bring in visitors for people after their first week here. It can be helpful to talk about their week with someone they know and hear their words of encouragement." 

"Okay that- that sounds fine. When do I need to meet them?" 

"They should be here around 2:30 so you will have some time between lunch and their visit." 

They spoke for a bit longer until he was excused to go back to lunch for a few minutes before heading to therapy. A visitor. Interesting. The idea of having someone come to see him danced in the back of his mind. He was excited yet worried. He almost hoped it wasn't Kim, as much as he wanted to see her and the girls he didn't want them to see him here. It was nice to have something to look forward to though. Something different. The excitement got him through the rest of the day. He laid in bed eager to go to sleep and get through the morning. 

Having therapy in the morning was a bit weird. It just felt too early to be talking about his childhood. He did end up having time to go to one session so he went to that sex addiction session he had been looking at the day before. It definitely was far more interesting than the other sessions had been. He began to get extra excited during lunch. He related it to the way he felt as a kid when he knew his mom or aunt would be coming to pick him up early from school. After lunch the group broke off to go back to their usual routine but not him. He took the extra thirty minutes he had to go back to his room and try to relax for a bit. It was a hard thing for him to do though. It was so stupid how nervous he was for this visitor. He anxiously watched the clock as the time crept closer to 2:30. 

*knock knock* 

2:26 

He quickly opened the door and was now face to face with a staff member. 

"Your guest is in one of our smaller session rooms. Follow me." 

"Why couldn't they just come to my room?" 

"Safety reasons." 

They made their way down the halls and past the rooms where the others were in the middle of their own sessions. Finally they came to a door. He stepped into the room to find a large man with a bald head and a goatee. 

"Paul!" 

The staff member left them alone and closed the door as he went. Paul got up from his seat and pulled Marshall into an embrace. He hugged his friend tight and almost didn't want to let go. They sat across from eachother. 

"So what the hell are you doing here!?" Marshall finally asked 

"They called me. They wanted a close friend to come see you. They were kinda worried about you honestly." 

Marshall scoffed "what'd they tell you?" 

"Said you weren't adjusting well. That's mainly it."

"I'm adjusting just fine." Marshall assured him

"Not what I was told." 

He sighed, "Look, to be honest I really am adjusting just fine. Almost too much actually. All we do is the same shit every day and it is driving me fucking insane. I don't feel like myself and I don't mean that in a good way. This shit doesn't even seem like it's helping anymore. If anything I'm resenting the help because it seems so... mandatory. It's not like when I went to that drug center." 

Paul listened closely as Marshall continued to go on and on 

"It kinda sucks Paul. Like the only thing that actually has anything to do with my addiction is the fact that they control my doses of pills and that's it. The rest is bullshit busy work that's supposed to keep your kind off of the drugs." 

"So you're..." 

"Bored honestly. I dunno. I just feel like there's other ways to do this shit, ya know? It doesn't have to be the same shit every day." 

"No I understand. I really do. It would drive me crazy too... I'll tell you what. Let me talk to someone. Who would I talk to? Who's in charge?" 

"You see a lady with 50s lookin glasses at a desk when you walked in?" 

"Yeah." 

"Her. What could you do though?" 

"Least I could do is talk to her and tell her what you're thinking about the place. Maybe there's more to do that you just haven't discovered yet. There could be a whole chunk of this place you're missing." 

"Yeah I guess so." 

"It's worth a shot." 

They talked for another 30 minutes to an hour before it was time for Paul to go. It really was a short visit considering how far he had to come but it really did mean a whole lot to him and Paul know that. It was hard for him to say goodbye. He shed a few tears as he watched Paul head towards the door. 

"Hey." Paul said as he turned around and pulled Marshall in for one last hug "Don't even worry about it. It's just another two and a half weeks. You're already almost half way there. And I'm going to talk with that lady on the way out okay?" 

Marshall nodded with his head still resting on Paul's shoulder 

"It'll be alright." He said as he patted him on the back "I love you. I'm proud of you. You'll be okay I promise." 

He continued to wipe his tears as he headed back towards his room. He had 20 minutes until he had to go to a small self reflection meeting before dinner. He took the time that he had by himself to wash his face and compose himself. He cried for another few minutes but convinced himself to stop as his time ran short. He didn't want to go out there looking like a wreck. He hated looking weak in front of people. A few drops of contact solution took the bloodshot look from his eyes and some water helped to heal his puffy face. He was alright. He was gonna be fine. 

He made it through his reflections session without breaking into tears again and met with his friends at dinner. They laughed and joked and honestly made him feel a bit better. After dinner they had their group discussion and then went off to play a round of croquet. Marshall played two rounds but really wasn't feeling it. He was tired and frustrated and upset and all he wanted to do was write about it so he excused himself and told his friends he'd go for another match tomorrow afternoon. It was close to time to head to bed anyways so they let him go without another word. He got into his room and went through his normal nightly routine of showering and getting comfortable before losing himself in his notebook. 

*knock knock* 

There were his pills. It was a little early but he wasn't complaining. He still wasn't sleeping well and the pills weren't even helping. 

"Running em a bit early huh" he asked as he opened the door 

"Hm? Oh. Your pills?" The coordinator asked 

"Sorry I thought you were the pill guy." 

"Not quite. Do you mind if we have a talk?" 

"Um. Sure." 

She came in and stood by his desk 

"You're friend Paul came by my office on the way out and told me a few things." 

He sighed

"You know Mr. Mathers you aren't the first celebrity to be treated here? There have been plenty others who came from the fabulous lifestyle of neverending hard work and demanding schedules. Some of them took there time here as a much needed vacation while some others..." she said while referring to him "had trouble letting go of the busy lifestyle." 

"I'm sorry." 

"Don't be. The celebrity life in itself is an addiction did you know that? The type of work that you do and the long hours. Once you get so use to them it can be hard to slow down. That's why so many celebrities have trouble retiring even well into old age." 

He had never thought about that before. 

"If you haven't already adjusted to the way things are here then I'm sad to say that you're just not going to. There's a rule about addiction. If you don't want to be here then there's no point in you staying. Forcing you to stay here would just be hindering your healing rather than helping." 

This caught his attention "wait wait wait. No it's okay I can handle it. I do want to get better." He was desperate "I mean the routines are really repetitive but- I don't want to just give up." 

"And you won't have to. Do you remember when you were given information about our facility you were told there were three plans correct? A 30, 60, and 90 day plan. On the surface that is all we have to offer but there are other ways in which we treat people. Everyone is different. Everyone heals differently. This way seems to work well for most but for others there are ways to adjust to fit them better. We just don't mention this option until it is brought to our attention that it is needed." 

"What option?" 

"In our plan you are required to go to therapy as well as two educational sessions a day. The rest are events to help fill the day. How much time would you say is spent in therapy and these sessions?" 

"Three hours?" 

"Exactly. You are technically only required to be here for three hours a day." 

"What about the rest of the day?" 

"We have a plan available where you would live with a caretaker so that they can monitor you and make sure you are making good choices. It gives you more freedom to do what you would normally do throughout your day. We only ask that you come three hours a day to complete your sessions. We don't mind if you do them in the morning or afternoon, your choice." 

"So I'd be living kinda on my own but with someone watching me to make sure I don't do drugs?" 

"Exactly." 

"Could I do things like go to work?" 

"Usually we would say no but because your work is a form of self expression, you may absolutely do that as long as your care taker goes along with you." 

"I- I mean I would feel bad leaving-" 

"Don't. We want what's best for you, treatment wise. And if this is what's best for you then so be it." 

"So how do we go about doing this?" 

"If you want to go ahead and do it I have a care taker on stand by ready to come get you tomorrow at 2. I just would need you to read through and sign these forms" 

Marshall skimmed through the forms and signed his name next to the small Xs. It was all set then, he would leave this place tomorrow and go off to try a different way of healing. 

Thanks Paul.


End file.
